lastcivilizedwoman

double nickels and a full moon

January 15, 2014
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buttery moon 2014this evening, I watched a bright, butter yellow moon rise slowly over the tree tops while sitting on the train home this evening. I counted myself very fortunate to be able to sit still for 35 minutes and experience the phenomenon of that moon. I’ve seen that moon before, but never quite the way I saw it tonight.

at first I wasn’t sure what it was, it looked like something was on fire, because the top of it was barely seen through the tree-tops and it took 5 minutes to reveal itself  that bright, butter yellow orb that took its’ sweet time to appear in the distance.

i could blink and miss some aspect of that rising moon, so much so that it seemed as if the moon was frog- leaping into the sky should I look away.

i’m glad i got to see that moon rise. i count is a blessing and a privilege that i could sit still long enough to enjoy and appreciate it.

such a simple pleasure in this fast-paced world where everyone seems to be looking down (phone/ipad/laptop/notebook) at something in their laps these days.

i hope to see many more.

55mphfor the uninformed, double nickels means 55, which the age i will be in the spring. to me, this number is just as momentous as age 40 or 50 for that matter. it means that i am 5 years away from being 60 and that much closer to a retirement that i am not prepared for, neither emotionally nor fiscally. i, like many others, unfortunately dropped a lot of money into the stock market, relying solely on this as the way to secure my retirement future. bad idea. two years before i turned 50, half of the money i had saved was gone in the nuclear blast that was the housing market debacle. sucked away into a black hole.

sadly, this did not come to pass. to add insult to injury, two years after i turned 50, i was fired from my job. no severance, no golden parachute, nothing. i then made the mistake of assuming that my skills would put me back into the job market within a couple of months and ran around having some fun. it actually took 18 months and by that time, i had lived through the remaining money from my 401k. so much for the plans of worms and women.

i count myself foolish for believing the lie that the stock market would be the means towards my independence and comfort in my dotage.

i’m still grateful for having seen that moon.


Against the Law

February 4, 2012
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life is a bitch and then you get stung!It should be illegal to not hire someone because they don’t have a degree. It should be considered a form of discrimination.

A woman should not be punished, kicked in the ass or cast aside because she turns 50. She should be respected and revered for having been able to reach that milestone. Menopause is enough of a bitch without adding the insult of having some dickhead dumping you because he thinks you’re getting older.


don’t call me ma’am, dammit!

October 8, 2011
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@40, you are a thing of beauty, a wonder to behold; a sex goddess of wondrous magnitude.
@ 50, it’s “look bitch, why don’t you die and get out of the way of us younger women already?”
Then it’s “yes, ma’am” and “no ma’am”. Shit!

I’m not a ma’am, don’t f-ing call me ma’am!

I still like sex and men and even though the big M is closing in along with gravity, loss of hair and neck sag, there is still enough juice left in this body to put any 30-, 40-something to shame! Skill and wisdom outwits youthful lying and conniving EVERY time.

You’re not allowed to push up on this old chick because I can see you coming. And while we’re on the subject, let’s talk about the bit “M”; no, desperate single women, not MEN – MENOPAUSE!

Yeah, you’re cute now, but wait til that one morning you wake up at 3a.m., soaking fucking wet and it’s not because you were screwing some guy’s brains out the other side of your headboard! Your hormones are getting ready to take you on the roller coaster ride to hell!
Picture this; you’re always the calm port in the storm? Not anymore. You’re going to have panic attacks, where some voice in your head will scream at you to kill your best friend with your bare hands, because he or she looked at you funny while you were drinking a glass of water! Every man will become a suspect in an unsolved murder and every woman is trying to trick you. You’ll have hair growing out of your chin and not growing out of your head or your crotch!
Simple instructions on how to open a box of cereal will make no sense at all. You’ll read a book and forget what happened in the previous paragraph. You’ll forget what day House is on TV (wait, that’s not a conspiracy—they keep changing the day it’s on!) and you will forget what blouse you wore the day before and go to work the next day wearing it again (so that’s why everyone was looking at me funny)!

One thing, if you can get through this sometime in the next 10 years without ending up in prison or dead, you’ll wake up one morning, no longer a prisoner of your uterus or ovaries! The sun will rise and you’ll be clear-headed and bright-eyed! Of course you may not want to have sex with a man ever again, but it’ll be nice to reminisce about what it felt like to roll around in a bed naked and sweaty and slick-skinned.

I’m practicing prayer and meditation and deep-breathing exercises and positive thinking (don’t laugh–it does work) to force my body to manufacture endorphins that make me happy, not crazy. Kegel exercises are a god-send, because bladder control and a slack vagina can become problematic if you’re not paying attention.

I try to avoid having conversations with anyone under age 25 because that’s where the homicidal tendencies seem to flare up most.

Turn off the TV, turn on some music, pick up a good book (not an e-reader), curl up on your couch.

Take a slow walk in the park, sit in your back yard and enjoy the birds, fresh air and the squirrels.

Fire up a charcoal grill and cook something on it that you don’t eat all the time. (gas grills are cheating!)

In other words, when the spikes and dips get to be too much, do something distracting!

I know doctors will swear that drugs and hormone therapy will alleviate the symptoms and agonies of the change, but if you can manage without the drugs, do so. Use herbals and teas and keep drinking water. Knock off the sugar, get rid of the cigarettes eat lots of vegetables and high-end meat and keep drinking water!

We do have the ability to control what our bodies do to us or make us do, because they are our bodies.